Holiday dad jokes for every season
Every holiday has two traditions: the food and the dad jokes. These are organized by season so you can prepare year-round. Practice them now and you'll be the undisputed champion of the family gathering — or at least the most persistent groan-generator there.
Christmas
- Santa's favorite kind of music? Wrap.
- Christmas tree's favorite candy? Orna-mints.
- Snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
- Elves' favorite kind of photos? Elfies.
- What does Santa use to keep his beard looking great? Santa-ment conditioner.
- Reindeer's favorite pickup line? "Is that mistletoe, or are you just happy to see me?"
- Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the big guy in the red suit gets all the credit.
- What do you call a snowman in summer? A puddle.
- How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? With a chimney log.
- What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues.
Halloween
- Skeletons never fight? They don't have the guts.
- Skeleton skip the party? He had no body to go with.
- Vampire's favorite meal? A neck-tarine.
- Ghost's favorite dessert? I-scream.
- Mummy's favorite kind of music? Wrap. (Mummies and Santa share a playlist.)
- Witch's favorite subject? Spelling.
- Monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
- Zombie's favorite cereal? Count Chocula... he's loyal to the classics.
- Pumpkin's favorite sport? Squash.
- Black cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
Thanksgiving
- Turkey join the band? It had the drumsticks.
- Stuffing's favorite movie? Anything with a great filling.
- Pilgrim's favorite music? Plymouth Rock.
- Cranberry so red? It saw the turkey dressing.
- Potato's favorite Thanksgiving job? Being the mash-ter of ceremonies.
- Pumpkin pie's favorite sport? It was really into squash. (Squash wins twice this year.)
- Turkey cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken.
- Best dance at Thanksgiving? The turkey trot, obviously.
- Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
- What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
Valentine's Day
- Banana go out with the prune? It couldn't find a date.
- What did the stamp say to the envelope? I'm stuck on you.
- Bee's favorite flower? Anything — it was buzzing with love.
- Owl's favorite Valentine's gift? A real hoot of a card.
- What do you call two birds in love? Tweet-hearts.
- Skeleton's Valentine's card? "You've got a bone to pick with my heart."
- What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.
- Farmer's Valentine's message? "I love you a latte." (Farmers drink coffee too.)
New Year
- Clock go to therapy? It was ticked off.
- New Year's resolution? 1080p.
- Calendar so popular? It had a lot of dates.
- What do you call a snowman in January? Right on time.
- Midnight's favorite snack? Auld lang sign cookies.
- Why did the man put his watch in the blender? He wanted to make time fly.
- Best way to start the year? With a clean slate and a dirty joke book. (Clean jokes only in this vault.)
Easter and spring
- Rabbit's favorite kind of music? Hip-hop.
- Easter egg hide? It was a little chicken.
- Bunny's favorite restaurant? IHOP.
- What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolker.
- Flower's favorite season? Spring, obviously — it's blooming marvelous.
- What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi, bud!
- Rain's favorite accessory? A rainbow — nature's punchline.
Summer
- Ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
- Sunglasses' favorite holiday? The 4th of July — lots of shades of red, white, and blue.
- Hot dog win the race? It was the wurst competitor.
- Ice cream's favorite day? Sundae.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes on the 4th of July? A fsh — it still loves fireworks.
- Mosquito's favorite sport? Skin-diving.
- Campfire's favorite story? A real s'more-tale.
How to use this page
Bookmark this one and check back before each holiday. Learn three jokes per holiday — one for the kids' table, one for the adults, and one emergency backup for when the first two bomb. Tell them with total confidence and zero shame: the worse the joke, the better the holiday story later.