101 classic dad jokes that never get old

Classics · 5 min read

A dad joke is a special thing: a joke so corny it circles all the way back around to wonderful. These are the greatest hits — clean, kind, and guaranteed to get a groan.

The sincere part: dad jokes are love in disguise. A dad telling a bad joke at the dinner table is really saying, "I'm here, I'm goofy, and I want to make you smile." Kids roll their eyes, but they remember — and years later they tell the same jokes. It's a tradition worth keeping.

1. Fake noodle? An impasta.
2. Scientists don't trust atoms? They make up everything.
3. Restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
4. Ocean to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
5. Scarecrow win an award? Outstanding in his field.
6. Cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
7. Nose twelve inches long? Then it'd be a foot.
8. Buffalo's kid leaves for school? Bison.
9. Bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
10. Broken can opener? A can't opener.
11. Space party? You planet.
12. Coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
13. One wall to the other? Meet you at the corner.
14. Skeletons never fight? No guts.
15. Fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. Golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case of a hole in one.
17. Man go to the dentist? Tooth-hurt-y.
18. Tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
19. Factory making okay products? A satisfactory.
20. Math book look sad? Too many problems.
21. Zero to the eight? Nice belt!
22. Eggs don't tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
23. I had a time-travel joke, but you didn't like it yet.
24. Told my wife her eyebrows were too high. She looked surprised.
25. Sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
26. Cookie see a doctor? It felt crumby.
27. Orange that sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
28. Penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
29. Stadium get hot? All the fans left.
30. Left eye to right eye? Something smells between us.
31. Student eat his homework? Teacher said it was a piece of cake.
32. Bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
33. Invisible man skip the interview? He couldn't see himself doing it.
34. Snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
35. Cows stay informed? They read the moo-spaper.
36. Banana date a prune? It couldn't find a date.
37. Cloud wear under its raincoat? Thunderwear.
38. Picture go to jail? It was framed.
39. Boomerang that won't return? A stick.
40. Tired calendar? I'm full of dates.
41. Tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
42. Frog take the bus? His car got toad.
43. Pile of cats? A meowtain.
44. Belt get arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
45. Best thing about Switzerland? The flag's a big plus.
46. Gym close down? It just didn't work out.
47. Hat to the scarf? You hang around; I'll go ahead.
48. Can't give Elsa a balloon? She'll let it go.
49. Funny mountain? Hill-arious.
50. Chicken visit a medium? To reach the other side.
51. Snowman crossed with a vampire? Frostbite.
52. Mushroom go to the party alone? He was a fun-gi.
53. Janitor jumps out of the closet? Supplies!
54. Teddy bear skip dessert? He was stuffed.
55. Make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
56. Smartphone need glasses? It lost all its contacts.
57. Alligator in a vest? An investigator.
58. Opera singer go sailing? To hit the high Cs.
59. One plate to the other? Lunch is on me.
60. Computer see a doctor? It had a virus.
61. Lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
62. Orange stop? It ran out of juice.
63. Mama tomato to slow baby tomato? Ketchup!
64. Cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
65. Big flower to little flower? Hi, bud!
66. Man put money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
67. Dog that does magic? A labracadabrador.
68. Skeleton skip the party? He had no body to go with.
69. Sad strawberry? A blueberry.
70. Baseball player go to jail? He got caught stealing.
71. Dinosaur crash his car? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
72. Kid bring a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school.
73. Centipede crossed with a parrot? A walkie-talkie.
74. Baker quit making donuts? Tired of the hole thing.
75. Cow with no legs? Ground beef.
76. Clock go to therapy? It was ticked off.
77. Fish in a bowtie? Sofishticated.
78. Lamp go to school? To get brighter.
79. Grape get stepped on? It let out a little wine.
80. Duck see a chiropractor? To get its back quacked.
81. Belt made of watches? A waist of time.
82. Programmer quit? He didn't get arrays.
83. Deer with no eyes? No-eye deer.
84. Broom late? It overswept.
85. Fix a broken pizza? Tomato paste.
86. Astronaut break up? He needed space.
87. Pig that does karate? A pork chop.
88. Melon jump in the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
89. Traffic light to the car? Don't look, I'm changing.
90. Horse go behind the tree? To change its jockeys.
91. Story about a broken pencil? Pointless.
92. Library book see a doctor? It had a bad spine.
93. Man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
94. Gardener plant light bulbs? He wanted a power plant.
95. Elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
96. Well-balanced horse? Stable.
97. Student bring a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains.
98. Sheep with no legs? A cloud.
99. Catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
100. Cheese cross the road? To get to the other slice.
101. Dad run out of jokes? "That's all, folks — I'm out of puns."

Keep the tradition going: pick five favorites, memorize them, and deploy them at the next family dinner. Bonus points for maximum eye-roll.

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